color me feisty

little pieces.

2010-05-11T00:55:00.005-04:00

Saturday, the Friends of the Library held a giant book sale right down the street from my house. I heard I could get a ton of books there for on the cheap, so I felt inclined to check it out.

I ended up getting about 14 books for less than $10 -- including VERY recent textbooks. I felt accomplished.

For $7.50, I bought hundreds of dollars worth of books, hours of enjoyment, and a little piece of my childhood.

I'd been scouring the racks for about 20 minutes, indecisive about what books I wanted to put in my bag until I decided to hit the kids section. I looked and found a few books that I'd always wanted, but then something caught my eye.

It was very old, and very dusty, but the orange cover caught my eye.

On the bottom shelf sat a set of books from 1954 -- One called "The Story Hour" and one called "Parade of Stories." Their tales and illustrations were so old-fashioned and saccharine it was almost sickening, but I couldn't NOT take these books home. Why?

My dad had these books when he was a child.
Then my brother and I had them.
Now my children (if and when they decide to show up) will have them.

Ever since 2005, I've been trying to piece my life back together-- collecting things that maybe I once had as a child -- and i don't know why? maybe it's because i really do miss my parents. i miss them being together. i miss the things my brother and i had. the r2-d2 simon game, all our board games, my beautiful custom-made barbies, the Russian porcelain doll my grandmother gave me when i was three and obsessed with Russia-- all of it, gone. sold, tossed out, given away. and i know it's selfish and pointless to try and get anything back, when i really should move on, but it's nice to have at least one thing from my childhood back.

if you could go back, would you?

i'm not trying to go back, recreate or relive my childhood. personally, there are some things i'd rather leave out. bad things.

i'm 20 years old now. i have to move on from this. it's kinda pathetic, really.
but at the same time, allow me to have a few things left over from when i was little.

because really-- these things are the only little bit of "home" i have left.
and home is where your heart is, right?
my heart always was in the books.

the life of a server;

2010-02-15T01:21:00.000-05:00

You know you're a server when.....

1. You know that "in the weeds" is NOT a camping term.
2. You cant decide who you hate more: kids, old people, teenagers, or foreigners
3. You're pissed if you got a $10 tip on a $60 check.
4. You can figure out 20% like nobodys business.
5. You heavily debate putting on a gratuity for a big party. And may call in a second opinion to evaluate the table.
6. You're familiar with the signature cocktail: water with lemon.
7. You don't have any idea what the special is and could care less.
8. When you go out to eat, you over analyze everything your server does. And even if they screw up you still tip at least 20%.
9. You hang out at the server table.
10. You know about all your co-workers sex lives and drug habits. And you participate in one or the other; or both!
11. You know what the most dreaded side work is and how to avoid getting stuck with it.
12. Same goes for the death section.
13. You understand the importance of booths.
14. You know that an over cooked steak is the worst re-cook ever.
15. You want to kill the kitchen when they have 30 minute ticket times.
16. You will take the long way around just to avoid your table.
17. You hate making desserts.
18. You get weeded waiting forever for the bar to pour you a freakin beer.
19. You live out of your car.
20. You always have cash on you, yet you're always broke.
21. Your cash is usually still in your book days after you worked.
22. You know who sells the good drugs.
23. You never know what happened to the wine key.
24. You become a nocturnal creature.
25. Everybody on a Sunday AM shift has a hangover.
26. The busser is never around when you need him.
27. Getting cut does not equal getting out.
28. You need a manager card to wipe your ass!
29. A mess up is always appreciated by the starving servers...
30. And you're all like a bunch of vultures when it happens!
31. When in doubt-you go with medium.
32. You use the term 86 in regular conversation. Yet you have no idea where it came from.

technical difficulties.

2009-11-29T15:20:00.004-05:00

It's been well over two months since I updated my blog, and I feel like I owe yall an explanation.

Rewind to September 17-- I moved out of Indiana and back to Virginia. Why? I felt ready to come home. I was doing fine, but was really homesick, so I packed up and headed back home. So far, so good.

Second week of October-- my laptop's power cord snaps in two. i am without a computer for nearly a month.

I got my laptop back up and running about two weeks ago, but neglected my blog because i've barely been home at all. between going out with friends (and other things which we'll touch on later) i've had a crazy life.

so let me fill you folks in--

i'm seeing someone. he's absolutely INCREDIBLE. his name is tim. we went to high school together and he's in the army reserves. so far this is quite possibly the most "normal" relationship i've ever been in.

school took a nosedive. the powers that be took away my financial aid, so basically my loans are about to go into repayment, and i'm getting ass-reamed by the government. so my plan is to beat them at their own game. how, you ask?

i've decided that since work and school are not panning out in my favor anywhere i go (i.e. i can't afford to pay for school by working alone) that my best course of action is to join the military. don't tell my ex, i'm sure he'll think it's a great big f*** you to him.

i have red hair now.

i have three birds and two dogs.

life. is. good.

:)

self absorbed?

2009-09-12T04:14:00.002-04:00

ever heard the phrase "I'm not a bitch, I just don't like you?"

I'm the opposite.

"It's not that I don't like you, I'm just a bitch."

Lately that's been brought to my attention. Most of the time, I don't have a problem with listening to my friends if they need someone to talk to. But please, for the love of God, don't come to me every ten minutes with your problems. It's annoying, and I have much more important things to worry about.

You're 20 years old, learn to grow up and DEAL with shit the best way you can.

I'm sorry you're having problems with your stepdad.
I'm sorry your boyfriend of all of two months broke up with you.
I'm sorry your cousin is having problems, but really, what does any of this have to do with me?

Whining about your problems to other people and Myspace and Facebook is so childish. I'd expect that sort of thing from my cousin, and it's okay because she's thirteen.

I'll never name names, but I will say that it's not cool that you push your problems on other people.

You can call me self-absorbed all you want, but it's really no skin off my nose. I honestly don't give a shit what you have to say about me. If you want to know who's the real self-absorbed one here, look in a mirror.

pressing RESET on life.

2009-09-08T08:46:00.004-04:00

as you may recall from earlier posts -- WAY earlier -- like, February-ish.... I moved to Indiana because things had gone south. I don't mean south for the winter, I mean they took a freaking wrong turn at Albuquerque and ran for the border.

The goal was to be here for no more than six months, and then be moved out on my own and have a steady job. Now, that didn't go exactly as planned, but I feel like I'm ready to start acting like a grownup and be focused on school, work, and trying to find a place.

knowing that i'm notorious for inadvertently sabotaging myself, i have to acknowledge a few things that tend to get in my way:

1. guys. this is the #1 cause of death in my plans and wishes. i get so sidetracked by guy problems that it snowballs. we've all seen the tragic end to that story, but there's a flipside to this. the wind of one door slamming opens another. i can try and kick down the door, or i can walk through the open one. breaking the door down is too messy. splinters all around.

i learned from my mistakes, and i'll be damned if i ever put myself in that position again.

2. ambition. madonna had blonde ambition, i have blind ambition. ...meaning i want to do big things, but have little to no sense of direction. FORTUNATELY for me, i have a wonderful network of people who are helping point me in the right direction, and medicine to help me steer. the problem there is that i have a bad tendency to go into shutdown mode and push everyone away when they're only trying to help.

if i pushed you away, i'm sorry. and i hope you know that i'm a damn fool.

3. laziness. let's face it. when i get tired, i sleep. and when i sleep, i hibernate. letting the bovine comparisons end here (shut up, i get it), i get lazy now and again. and a lot of it is from sleep deprivation, i grant you, but majority of it is just a sheer lack of motivation. i need a fire lit under my fanny to get moving, and that's not very grownup of me at all. so this is the point where i need to get moving, whether i like it or not. it comes down to one thing: responsibility. i'm a flighty, irresponsible teenager still, but i'm about to NOT be a teenager. after a while you have to learn to leave those tendencies behind and just....

grow up.

on the contrapositive... (i do love that word) i have a lot of good qualities going for me.

i'm "whip-smart" as various family members have described it.
i'm pretty tenacious when it comes to being defiant, and this is certainly the biggest act of defiance i may ever commit.
i have a passion for medicine. no matter what it is, if it deals in the medical field, i love it.
i'm personable and witty and have impeccable bedside manner. nuff said.
i believe i can do this.

if those five qualities don't qualify me for doing big things, then drag me out behind the toolshed and put me out of my misery.

on another note, someone asked what my favorite number was.
(it was one of MANY random questions.)
my LUCKY number is 2
my favorite number is Pi

why Pi?
because Pi is infinitely baffling. we still haven't found the end of Pi, and I don't believe we ever will. I can relate to that. You can look and dig as far as you like, but you'll never find exactly where I end at.

so that's the extent of my nonexistent mathematical genius.

funny how that picture of Pi ends in 1989. did you know that you can search (yes, there's a search engine that does this) and find the position of your birthday in Pi?

pretty awesome.

until next time,
Anna.

ps-- we're coming up on 100 posts!

a surgical nightmare.

2009-08-31T05:20:00.003-04:00

i've been having crazy vivid dreams again.

two nights ago i had one that almost perfectly mirrored the episode of Grey's Anatomy with the bomb-- you know which one I'm talking about. The dude has live unexploded ammunition lodged in his chest, and Meredith's keeping it from going off. There, you're up to speed now.

In my dream, I'm in Meredith's place. I have my hand on the bomb, and I'm standing completely still. I'm bawling. After having my hand in the dude's chest for what feels like forever, Dr. Bailey tells me to NOT move my hand, and what do I do? I take my hand out and RUN FOR IT. I keep running, still in my blue scrubs and surgical cap and all, out of Seattle Grace, except we're not at Seattle Grace. When I run outside, I realize I'm in Greenbrier, and it's the dead of night.

I run about half a block until I find the Walmart, where I find my two aunts standing in the checkout line. They ask why I'm there, when I should be at work. I tell them I'm on my break. Then they ask why I'm crying. I say it's because I'm having a hard day, and I realize i AM supposed to be at work.

I start running back toward the hospital, back to the OR. I get lost in the hospital and stumble upon a gym that has a basketball court in it. People are playing, including Alex Karev. I want to tell him to get out because there's a BOMB in the building, but Alex can't hear me. Then two women, who look oddly like Sheryl Crow and Janis Joplin, take me back into a very secluded, closed off section of the hospital. They say "You need to see this." We climb up to the top of this ladder to reach a little hidey-hole that would probably SMUSH me if i tried to fit in. They both light cigarettes and Sheryl Crow says "This is where Jimi Hendrix died." I'm confused, because I know this isn't true.

I climb back down and start heading back toward the OR. I go past an Olympic-sized pool that's perfectly still. Everything is darkly lit with faint blue light. Children are still in Pediatrics, and I'm trying to get them out. They can't hear me. I head back to the OR, scrub in, and put my hand back on the bomb and slowly pull it out, handing it over to the bomb-squad guy.

By this point, I know what happens. I make a run for it and dive headfirst into the pool.

When i hit water, I woke up.

Pretty freaky! Did someone spike my Sierra Mist lastnight?

What's that all mean? I did a bazillion searches on dream interpretation to try and piece it all together, and the result was pretty appropriate.

Hospital
To see or dream that you are in a hospital, symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental heath. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life. Alternatively, it suggests that you are giving up control of your own body or that you are afraid of losing control of your body.

Doctor
To dream that you are a doctor, suggests that there is some problem that you need to patch up or some emotional wound that you need to bandage up. You are being supportive to others.

Operation
To dream that you are operating on someone, indicates that you are facing some deep issues or dealing with your repressed thoughts.

Bomb
To see a bomb in your dream, indicates that you may be going through a potentially explosive and trying situation in your waking life. The bomb could represent repressed desires and unexpressed emotions that are likely to explode or burst if not dealt with soon. It could be something within yourself, such as the desire to explode with anger over an issue that's affecting you.

Running
To dream that you are running away from someone, indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears

Night
To have a dream that takes place at night, represents some major setbacks and obstacles in achieving your goals. There are some issues in your life that you are facing, but are not too clear. You should put the issues aside so you can clear your head and come back to it later. Alternatively, night may be synonymous with death, rebirth, reflection, and new beginnings

Market
To dream that you are in a market, represents some emotional of physical need that you are currently lacking in your life. You may be in need of nurturance and some fulfillment. Consider the specific items that you are shopping for. Alternatively, the market signifies frugality.

Aunt
To see your aunt in your dream, represents family characteristics and values. It is a connection to your own heritage. The aunt may also represent aspects of yourself that you like or dislike. She can also be seen as a substitute mother.

Basketball
To see a basketball in your dream, suggests that you need to make the first move. You also need to concentrate and be more focused in your goals.

Pool
To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in. Alternatively, a pool may indicate your need for cleansing. You need to wash away the past.

Climb
To dream that you are climbing up something (ladder, rope, etc.), signifies that you are trying to or you have overcome a great struggle. It also suggests that your goals are finally within reach. Climbing also means that you have risen to a level of prominence within the social or economic sphere.

Smoking
To dream that you are smoking, indicates that you are trying to shield yourself and others against your emotions. You have trouble letting others in.

Fame
To see famous people in your dream, signifies an increase to your prosperity and honor.

Dead
To see the dead in your dream, forewarns that you are being influenced by negative people and are hanging around the wrong crowd. You may suffer material loss. This dream may also be a way for you to resolve your feelings with those who have passed on. If you dream of a person who has died a long time ago, then it suggests that a current situation or relationship in you life resembles the quality of that deceased person. The dream may depict how you need to let this situation or relationship die and end it.

Children
To save a child, signifies your attempts to save a part of yourself from being destroyed. If you dream that you are separated from your children, then it symbolizes failure in some personal endeavor or a setback in some ideal you had.

Explosion
To hear the sound of a loud explosion, but you did not see it, signifies that your troubles will soon be replaced with tranquility after you have overcome some small obstacle.

Swimming
To dream that you are swimming underwater, suggests that you are completely submerged in your own feelings. You are forcing yourself to deal with your emotional difficulties.

So that's it, really. I pieced it together as best as I could, and the result I came up with was pretty appropriate. I'm having a hard time dealing with things, and it's going to come to a head very soon. I woke up thinking a bomb was going off.

Bear in mind that i HAVE been watching a lot of Grey's lately, and I've been contemplating a career in medicine. Maybe this is my mind trying to tell me "You're scared of this."

Who knows?
Until next time,
dream on.

-anna-

where did it all go?

2009-08-25T00:48:00.003-04:00

it's been five years since i first set foot in high school. which is to say, i was a freshman in 2004. in the five years since then, i can't help but wonder where all the time has gone. here i am in college, working on psychology & humanities classes, and i'm just thinking... my goodness.

how can five years change someone so much?

2004-2005: i was slightly punked out (as in, i had a deep love for the clash and the sex pistols, which is more than i can say for half of the kids who claimed they were "punk rock" and only listened to avril lavigne. ha.), and i loved theatre. music was my life. i was borderline emo, but thankfully grew out of that phase.

2005-2006: the descent into madness. when Mean Girls came out, every girl wanted to be plastic. For my sophomore year, I was. I was a horrible person. I was briefly a cheerleader (my cheering days were brought to an end because we couldn't afford cheercamp) but the mentality stuck. But then I moved. Things changed a little. And I got smart. I joined the academic team, which brings me to..

2006-2007: the messy year. junior year got messy. i was working, doing gymnastics and academic team, and things were falling to pieces. i was depressed, partly due to the fact that i'd been in and out of relationships, and i'd been sleeping with the captain of the academic team, which was basically pure turmoil in and of itself. however, i ended the year as best as i could.

2007-2008: the start of my senior year was perfection. everything was in place. i had everything down. i was set to go to johnson and wales. and then i was plucked out of school and flung back to suffolk. that was when i lost it. i picked up a waitressing job in a bar and was taking care of my grandma more than i was taking care of myself. i got worn down and dropped out. i got my GED three months later and started college that summer.

i regret it. i regret moving away, and i regret dropping out. i don't regret getting my ged and starting college, because i wouldn't be where i am today.

so, have i changed? of course.
i'm less with the "ooh, look at me, i'm emo" and more with the "let's just live life the best we can" ideologies. i've grown since then.

and i wouldn't trade it for the world.

paint it, black...

2009-08-08T05:54:00.003-04:00

i remember the first time i ever heard Paint It, Black -- one of my favorite songs of all time. I was six years old, I was in the car at night with my mom and brother, and we were riding around Battlefield Blvd in Chesapeake.

For what reason, I don't know, but I do remember being very scared for some reason, and I remember a hospital.

For those of you unfamiliar with the 757, Battlefield Blvd is where Chesapeake General Hospital is. It's where I had surgery, where my brother was born, etc, etc. Big medical district. Anyways.. maybe i was at the doctor, but that wouldn't make sense because it was at night.

Back to the music...

I remember my mom changing it to The Fox, which still is and always will be my favorite radio station (it's like an institution in the 757), and they played Paint It Black.

I was six, and that voice stuck with me. I remember being half-terrified, half-fascinated. From that moment, I associated the song with anything medical.

Crazy, right?

and there is NO denying, the man's still got it. i do love me some mick jagger.

re: pancaking...

2009-08-08T02:34:00.002-04:00

“It is difficult suddenly to put aside a long-standing love; it is difficult, but somehow you must do it.” - Catullus

this says it all:

temporary, insanity.

2009-08-01T15:25:00.002-04:00

i came to indiana six months ago, trying to make a change. i think i've made that change.

i was told that the goal was to be here for roughly six months.

six months later, i'm ready to go home. why? because it's time to grow up. i'm not going to get anywhere by staying with my parents or my grandma. i have got to jump into the water headfirst, even though i'm terrified of swimming underwater (no, really, i am).

it's not running from my problems. it's growing up.

and the rain rain rain came down down down...

2009-07-30T18:20:00.003-04:00

to christen the new layout (what's this, the fifth one? i may settle. this one goes with it very well.) i thought "Hmmm, maybe you should post something."

Good call, self!

Thursday evening... doing jack squat... should be working on the two gigantic papers due this weekend... opting instead for Grey's Anatomy.... craving Vivanno smoothie (they rock... Starbucks, I've endorsed you MANY a time, where's my freebies?!)

At least I'm doing something productive: Laundry.

Watching it try to storm outside. It's a-storming.

Tweeting.

thumbing through a sparknotes literature book.

oh, MEANINGFUL stuff! yes, another good call, self. what would i do without you? tee hee.

November, November...
To keep it short, I'm going home.
I think I'm ready. And I need this.

More on this later.
I'm too busy staring at the rain, waiting for my pantalones to dry.

Cheerio!

what would you do without water?

2009-07-26T02:00:00.002-04:00

Water is something that we take for granted. We drink it, bathe in it, use it to cook our food, play in it, and it all boils down to one thing (pun intended): Water is THE very element and essence of our lives.

But what happens when you take that essence away?

You may not want to think about it, but for millions of African children, this is something that they live with, not just think about.

I don't usually do this on my blog, but I think this needs to be broadcast for all to see.

PLEASE donate what you can to Aquathon 2009 -- google it, they're totally legit!

Aquathon 2009 is raising money to drill wells in Sub-Saharan Africa. This way, we can bring fresh, clean water to children, and thus give them a better life.

Would you want to bathe in dirty water? How about drink it?

Every day, children all over Africa have to endure this hardship.

I'm not usually one to get things like this out in the open, but I can't sit on the sidelines and do NOTHING. Same goes for you.

Follow on twitter:

twitter.com/orchesis
twitter.com/kirstiealley (she's the nice lady helping run this show-- you may have heard of her!)
twitter.com/aquathon

Go DONATE NOW at www.aquathon2009.blogspot.com
it doesn't have to be a huge donation-- just what you can-- but if you can, donate big!

thanks, loves!

a separate peace.

2009-07-23T03:56:00.004-04:00

it's pretty comforting to know that after nearly three years, we can finally be in the same place at the same time and not tear each other to pieces. people don't put us together anymore. i'm glad you found what you were looking for.

all i wanted was for you to be happy.
i got my wish.

i've let go.
that doesn't mean i've forgotten you -- that'd be impossible -- but i can sleep at night knowing you're doing okay.
i don't have to worry about waking up one day and hearing the worst.
i said you were going to be okay, and you are.
that's all i could've ever asked for.

if you need me, you don't need to look very far.
i'm always around.

love, me.

twenty five things you probably didn't know about me...

2009-07-23T03:22:00.002-04:00

remember how everyone was doing these a couple months back?
i'm bringing it back, because i came to the realization i didn't have one on my blog.
also because it's 3:23 AM and the caffeine hasn't worn off yet.

i've never played the Wii before. go ahead, cry for me. i had a stingy boyfriend. boo.
i drink pickle juice from the jar.
i can't stand anything orange-flavored. I like oranges, orange juice (not sunny d... EW!), and that's it. jello, tang, kool-aid.. forget it.
i broke my tailbone when i was waiting tables. the cooks decided not to tell me they were deckbrushing, and i slipped and fell, landing on my ass.
i have a ridiculous obsession with ghostbusters, in case you didn't know.
the only two things i brag about are the fact that i was on scholastic bowl (i was captain, before i moved) and that i am an amazing cook.
while we're talking about food, i make the world's best pancakes.
i have an aversion to banana peppers. if i even get a whiff of them, i get sick.
when i was in kindergarten/first grade, my aunts used to sit me on a barstool after school and get me to sing alanis morrisette.
though i don't really like to, i can sing in the whistle register. it hurts my voice. a lot.
i learned french by listening to my grandmother and french music.
the day i make a quick decision will be the day pigs fly.
i'm bad about returning library books. really bad.
given my intake of soda, i should weigh about 800 lbs.
i got kicked out of class on the first day of kindergarten for being sassy. guess it stuck.
i tell my mom again and again i am NEVER having kids just so she won't be on my back about things, but i think she's finally catching on that this is a lie.
i'm always exhausted in december. ALWAYS.
people used to say i'd be a great model. i can't walk in heels.
i frequently speak in metaphors.
i don't believe in coincidence. i believe that when God wants us to do something, he'll let us know, and he'll put the right people around us.
you wouldn't think so from first looks, but i am a christian girl.
i've been fascinated with tornadoes since i was little.
i'm pigeon toed. my feet curve in slightly when i walk.
i'm allergic to raspberries.
as an alternative to self-harm, i color my hair when i feel depressed. i have been through just about every hair color there is. black/purple, 9th grade. bright red, 10th grade. blonde, 10th grade. black, 11th grade. honey blonde, 11th/12th grade. my high school career can be measured in bottles of hair dye.

she said i think i'll go to boston...

2009-07-21T14:11:00.002-04:00

this was taken directly from a message written to a friend of mine.

the backstory is that i had been discussing college with some friends, and how i've been contemplating several different career choices. back in high school, i had wanted to go to med school, but i THOUGHT i had screwed the pooch, and that it was too late for me to even think about applying for Pre-Med. Then i realized something-- I'm not even 20 yet.. of course it's not too late!

that brings me to what happened lastnight. i was listening to a podcast on my ipod about med school and what you need and what you should do to prepare for it, and i was looking at different schools (UVA, Sweet Briar), but then on a whim I started googling colleges in -- you guessed it -- boston.

i picked up my ipod to turn it up some, but the very second i clicked on Boston University School of medicine, it slipped out of my hand and shuffled it. Guess what it landed on--

Gurl Grope.

Needless to say, I freaked out! Of the 1400 songs on my ipod, it shuffled and landed on yours. And one of my favorites, no less.

I don't really know what to make of that, but I'm not the kind of person who chalks things up to coincidence. '

I believe that coincidence is two people showing up to wherever wearing a red shirt and blue jeans. Coincidence is people having the same birthday.

Everything happens for a reason. When you put together the past six or seven months of my life, it all makes sense. he left me, i left home, came here as a sort of stepping stone to wherever i wanted to go next, and then the game changed. i didn't count on you, but in the past 5 months, i think you're the one person that's had the most impact and influence in my life, and that's a really good thing. You talked me into going to chicago -- granted i overdrew my bank account and owed my parents a lot of money afterward-- but the experience changed my life. if you hadn't talked me into going, i would've sat at home as usual and let that chance slide by. so here's another opportunity presenting itself, and part of me is screaming "YOU ARE A MORON! MED SCHOOL?! WHAT?!" but the other part is whispering "You got this."

Maybe I'm supposed to do this.

OK, Pai Mei ----- here i come.

....she said i think i'll go to boston....

the recipe for a WONDERFUL weekend!

2009-07-17T16:30:00.001-04:00

1400 word paper on Psychology and Health Problems.

must analyze and summarize the Multi-Factorial Model and how it relates to the diagnosis of illnesses.

then i have to select two health problems discussed in the text and explain what role psychology has played in understanding and managing these illnesses.

WACKY!

that said, i need some good thinking/writing music.

at the moment i'm cranking out The Climb, of all songs... god help me...

but this is a good time to make a playlist consisting of Bright Eyes, Bon Iver, Belle & Sebastian, Neutral Milk Hotel, Mae, Say Anything, basically the ENTIRE juno soundtrack, Joshua Radin, Rufus Wainwright, Damien Rice, Iron and Wine, Postal Service, Death Cab for Cutie and my PERSONAL favorite....

Halston!

BEAUTIFUL!

and to top it off i have to work (not too fussed about it, really)
and clean my room (might fuss about that a little)

i need a latte.
skinny. soy milk. om nom nom.
i am JONESING for a fix!!!!!!!

and i'll probably watch twilight while i write... it's good for your soul!

coffee.... great music.... psychology homework.... pizza.... TWILIGHT!...

this is the recipe for a great weekend, yo!

so for the next two days, i am going to try and make myself as scarce as possible.

--which means carlos might catch a break. MIGHT!--

(in all honesty, he needs it. i've driven him straight up the walls. time for me to dial it back some. hi carlos! i'm sorry i drove you bonkers!)

if i finish the paper before the 11th hour, i'll finish my book!
(i'm smack in the middle of american psycho.)

and then i'll work on my songs!
YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Have a good weekend, everyone!

A bientot!

dear michael jackson;

2009-07-07T23:48:00.002-04:00

you were the biggest superstar in all the world.
tonight, you are the brightest star in all the sky.
shine on, MJ. shine on.

help me believe in anything;

2009-07-06T00:12:00.005-04:00

atheism....

this is not something i generally talk about in this here blog, but i feel it's something i need to address.

alright, most of you know I am in fact a Christian and that I plan on attending Liberty University. It may surprise you that I am not like many Christians, however.

If you choose not to believe in God, or believe in any higher power, for that matter, then you obviously have a good reason to do so, and who am I to judge you for your beliefs? Who am I to try and say "You're on the path that leads straight to Hell!" I cannot stand in front of someone and condemn them for believing in something that I don't believe in, or the lack of belief at all.

I've said it once, I'll say it again:

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
- Mahatma Gandhi

No truer words were ever spoken. Christians, what have we done to ourselves? We have spent so long doing things in His name, that we've damaged our own name.

These are some of the things I cannot stand:

-Westboro Baptist Church: How on earth do you know that God hates these so-called "fags?" Do you have any idea how many wonderful homosexual people there are in this world? I have never met a gay person I didn't love. They are no different than you and me. We are all humans, and it is my belief that God created us in His image, whether that image is white, black, red, yellow, straight, gay, ANYTHING. That's what's so great about God, is that he created us all differently, yet in His own image--- if God TRULY hated "fags" (and I do apologize for using that word, it hurts me deeply to even think of such a word), He would not have created anyone in that way.

-Becky Fischer: Don't get me wrong -- I think it is a WONDERFUL thing to create excitement in children and let them form a strong relationship with Christ on their own -- But I believe that there is a certain limit to how much pressure you put on children to attain a personal relationship with Jesus. It has to come naturally. Jesus Camp was a very eye-opening film. It was frightening, stark, and beautiful -- seeing children passionate about something, anything at all (anything other than video games and cell phones!) warms my heart. But there is a caveat to this heartwarming passion, and that is the ridiculousness of praying over objects and an effigy of George W. Bush (sorry if that sounds personal, I just don't like the man, but that's your choice).

-Osama Bin Laden: You all knew this was coming. Oh, Sama. I don't doubt that you are a good leader. you can motivate throngs of people to get behind an idea and propel said idea into motion--- so was Adolf Hitler, in the same capacity. Every "villain" thinks he is right, but you, sir, may be someone that we as Americans and Christians would do well to tune in and listen to. There is something wrong with this country, and you know that. While I certainly don't agree with your purposes, your unholy war, and the spilling of American blood at the hands of you and the people you influence, I do believe that we could all learn something by listening to you rather than turning a deaf ear and a blind eye.

so, back to atheism:

(this is my blogworld, you just live in it. i can skip around if i want.)

atheists:

it is not my place to judge you. therefore, i won't. i have no right to do so. if it is your decision to not believe in God or Allah or Buddha or what on earth have you, then it is your decision! please, go into this world with your head held high, a smile on your face and a song in your heart, because you are equal to me, she, him, her, and all the rest of us. you are no less, be you atheist, homosexual, handicapped, mentally ill, anything.... you are no less than me, and i am no more than you.

peace and love,

anna

history repeats?

2009-07-02T03:06:00.002-04:00

is it just me, or is my life like a broken record? it feels like i am stuck in this odd time warp. summer of 09 is mirroring summer of 2006 in nearly EVERY way possible.

let's begin with my housing situation:

three years ago, me, my mom, and her now-fiance had just moved to Virginia Beach. it was just the three of us (for a while, until my brother came to stay with us... hoping that part repeats itself!), sharing a 2 bedroom, one bathroom apartment. upstairs, by the way. oddly enough, my room was set up quite similarly then.

work:

summer 2006 was the first summer i was eligible to work, as i was 16. i started out working odd jobs, then eventually found my niche in -- no surprise here -- Michaels. but i worked in two different restaurants that summer.

i've already had one job here in Indiana, but had to leave due to my hours taking a HUGE cut. now I work at pizza hut, and i'm trying to get a second job at another restaurant.

similar, but not totally identical.

now for my love life... this is where it gets interesting:

may 06 saw my first long-term relationship -- i.e, one lasting six months more. ours ended at just about six months, sadly, but nonetheless, it happened. all relationships aside, i had been flirting HARDCORE with someone older than me.

these days, the only thing different is that i have recently ENDED a long term relationship, and i've been flirting here and there with someone older than me. that's the relationship i want more than anything. it's the be-all-and-end-all.

socially, i was hanging with people that could pull me in one of two directions: either make me or break me.

physically, i was out of shape.... what else is new?

mentally, i was not doing too well! the latter part of my summer, i only slept with the help of sominex... not exactly good pills! it got bad. but the good news is that it got better.

also, a quick side note, a little parallel i'd like to point out:
three years ago, i saw a news story
this one: http://tinyurl.com/lrmedd

...and my heart sank. i had never thought of another person i'd never met before in such a way, not like "OMG I LOVE YOU" but more like "wow... i'm really pulling for you..." until this point.

three years later, he's one of my newest, closest friends :)

ain't social networking great?!

so there you have it.
2009.... it might be a repeat of 2006, but is that really such a bad thing?

the embers never fade in your city by the lake;

2009-06-30T21:29:00.003-04:00

As most of you know by now, I recently took a little trip a few hours north to a little town in the Midwest known as the one and only Chicago, Illinois.

Let me just begin by saying that this experience changed my life.

It began about two weeks ago, when I found out that American Idol auditions were being held in Chicago on June 22nd. Naturally, I boiled over with excitement, but there were a few people who were less than excited. So I put it off and said "I'll wait until next year." But I felt stupid sitting around watching an open shot pass me by. With a little coercion from friends, family and fans (haha) and a swift kick in the pants from my So-Called Sensei, as it were, I decided to book a hotel room, hopped a Greyhound to Illinois on Saturday night and never looked back.

Amid my immense stress and wracked nerves, and given the fact that it was finals week, and I had to work, I did not sleep for two days leading up to the trip.

Once I got to Chicago at around 530 in the morning, I was as lost as the Oceanic Six. I spent Sunday morning toddling around, searching hither and yon for United Center, which I finally found. I was able to get my wristband and ticket for Monday's auditions, and then decided to make my way back to the hotel, which was roughly 10 miles from United Center.

Unfortunately, check-in time wasn't until 3pm. I still had some time to kill, so I decided to have breakfast at a little hole-in-the-wall diner on the corner of Chicago and Milwaukee called the Windy City Cafe. Scrumdiddlyumptious pancakes, by the way. The people were incredibly friendly!

After I got done with breakfast, I scurried off to find the Blue Line yet again. I called the hotel and asked if they had any rooms available, and sure enough, one had become available, even though I had made a reservation. It was bigger than the room I had reserved, but what did I care?! I was tired and hot and wanted to take a shower and a nap.... which I did!

Upon checking in, the first thing I did was take a bubble bath (and I did take the hotel soap with me.... come on, you know I'm from Tidewater!). Then I ended up passing out for a lovely eight hours of sleep on the GINORMOUS fluffy bed!

When I woke up, I decided to take off, find some dinner, do some sightseeing, and putter around town. I rode the train as far as it would carry me, then had to do a little shopping (I needed a bus pass!). While walking around, I met Lisa and her daughter Irene, who clued me in to the paintings on the sidewalk. Lisa and I share a birthday (I found this out because I asked about the scorpion tattoo on her back.), which is pretty neat!

All around Chicago, there are symbolic spray paintings on the sidewalk that are pieces of a puzzle. Evidently no one's figured it out yet. One looks like a Transformer.

When I hopped back on the bus, I rode down to Navy Pier. Pictures were taken, but my camera began to die, and my charger was in Indiana! OOPS! Anyhow, I rode the Ferris Wheel (mainly so I could take more pictures of Lake Michigan!), walked around the gardens, did some light shopping, bought myself a snowglobe... a requirement for every city I visit... and then got back on the bus, heading to nowhere in particular.

I had every intention of stopping at the Chicago Theatre, since I'm obsessed with the movie Chicago. This did not happen, once the bus stopped at Michigan Avenue. No, sir, I hopped off the bus right there. I didn't know it until I was halfway down it, but I was on the Magnificent Mile, and OMG magnificent it is!!!!!!!! It has every shop and store I could have ever dreamed of... Ghirardelli, Borders, American Girl, Russian Pointe Dance Boutique, Saks, Neiman Marcus, i mean EVERYTHING i could ever imagine was there. It was like someone had taken everything I love, laid it out on one street, and lit it up. It was perfect.

When I started to get hungry, I stumbled into a little place called Chipotle.
Most of you have had Chipotle, or know what it is. I didn't.
I was pleasantly surprised. Mexican food is pretty much my favorite, and this hit the spot.

After dinner, I stopped at the store to get some hair dye, then headed back to the Red Line so I could connect with the Blue Line back to Cumberland (the hotel). Division Street... better known as BAR ROW... has a BAR CHICAGO! WTF!!?!?!?>!?!?!? I felt like I was back at home! Bar Norfolk, Bar Chicago, bar where else?!??! It was great. The best moment of walking down Division was passing by a bar that had a bubble machine in its upper window. Bubbles FILLED the street, like something out of a dream.

Once back at the hotel, I dyed my hair (this was because I noticed my roots looked HORRIBLE), watched Dark Knight, and attempted to sleep.

I was woken up around 230 by text messages from friends and family wishing me luck.

Knowing I wasn't going to be able to sleep anymore, I put on msnbc, ironed my hair, put on my makeup, and began packing.

I left the hotel around 4, at the same time as two other hopefuls, Candace and Robert. We rode back to United Center (although getting delayed because we got off one stop too soon!), where we waited in the rain for roughly two hours before getting into the venue.

While waiting outside, I made a few friends. Katy and Catrina from Sheboygan Falls, and Carla from Joliet. We got to talking, and since our names all started with the "KA" sound, we began calling ourselves "KAPOWER!"

From there, it was BONKERS.

Being in section 305, i was in the NOSEBLEEDS, but i could see everything going on below me. The entire crowd sang Hot & Cold (a song I never EVER want to hear again) at least 300 times, and we waited until 4pm for our turn to audition.

When 4pm rolled around, I was dying of anxiety and thirst. but there I stood, ready to sing, and sing I did. Instead of singing Augustana, I decided to stick with The Eagles, belting out Take It To The Limit, and absolutely NAILING the high notes.

Unfortunately, none of the people in my group made it, not even Kapower.

I was told by the producer, "You have an amazing voice, but the bar is set incredibly high this season, and I'm afraid there's just not any room. Please do try out again soon."

I'm not surprised, but not bitter at all.

After leaving United Center, I walked onto Madison Avenue into some UNGODLY heat. I hopped on the bus heading for downtown, and saw I had two hours to kill. I used those hours to visit the tippy top of Sears Tower, which was an INCREDIBLE sight. There's pictures...

at about 530, it was time to head back to the greyhound station. my bus left at 7, and I arrived back in Indianapolis at about 1130 pm.

this trip changed my life. i needed this trip.

I've realized that I want a musical career on my own terms, and be free to make my own music. I don't want to be 19 Entertainment's puppet.

Also, it's helped me to become a stronger, more independent person. if I can survive two days in one of the nation's largest cities on my own, then i can do just about anything.

this was an experience that i needed to have, and i'm glad i had it.
thanks to everyone who put me in this place, believed in me, and got me to the point i'm at today.

love yall!

....next stop, Boston? New York City?

feels good.

2009-05-18T01:55:00.002-04:00

it's been a while, but i feel pretty good.
not the illegally sauced sort of way--
im trying to kick that horrible habit--
but the "together" feeling.

you know what i mean; something happens, and you feel like a puzzle that's been smashed all to hell. then something completely opposite happens, and you begin to feel like the pieces are being put together again.

but that's just one aspect.

if one aspect of my life can feel so together, then the rest will undoubtedly follow.

i honestly believed i wouldn't put myself in the same situation (much less a more extreme one), but here we are. maybe i like the challenge and the stress that comes with being with someone on deployment.

i'm willing to pay the price and take my chances.
and good god in heaven, it feels good.

holes in the floorboard;

2009-05-17T03:17:00.004-04:00

i'm not generally a very "certain" person. there's always disparity in my thinking and holes in the floorboard of my logic (which sucks when you keep sticking your feet in them).

but in the past four days, i've been filling in these holes with something i didn't have much of before--

faith.

not hope.
hope is too fleeting and fickle.

"Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe."
-St Augustine

So what do I believe?

That this quixotic, albeit romantic... well, romance, for all intents and purposes... is crazy enough to work, because we are just crazy enough to try it!

"Qui ne risque, rien n'a rien."

Of all the French proverbs in my room, this is one of my favorites.

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

If I didn't tilt at this windmill, I'll have gained squat diddly.

So that, dear gentlereaders, is why I am thoroughly convinced this will work.

i'm nothing if not determined

in other news, i got accepted to Liberty University.
a bold and unprecedented move on my part.

to explain those french proverbs, i'm entertaining the notion of becoming a french teacher.
or latin.
im great at both.

oh, by the way, i'm back to red hair.
not allison iraheta red (eek!)
but a nice subtle auburn.

goodnight, blogheads!

the funniest dream i've ever had. ever.

2009-05-02T13:22:00.002-04:00

i copied this from my facebook, and felt it needed to be shared elsewhere..

Alright, this had to got to be, hands down, on the of the most hilarious things I have ever dreamed about. I say that because it is probably the farthest thing from my mind most days.

So anyhow, I was in Georgia with my brother, and I heard him talking about the Jonas Brothers doing a concert not far from there. I was out walking, enjoying the mountain air, when I saw this ginormous bus heading for me at top speed. I jumped out of the way, and the bus stopped. It had a flat tire. Had I known this was the JoBros bus.... well, I probably would've still come to see if everyone was okay, but still. Not a fan. So I hop onto their bus and see if everyone's okay, and suddenly Nick, the little curly pancake-faced one, is all over me like a lost puppy and its owner. He basically like tackles me to the floor and is like OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGIL

OVEYOUOMGOMGOMG. I'm thinking, "Isn't this the other way around, customarily?" So I pulled him up to eye level (he was really short in my dream) and said "Look, kid-- you're my little brother's age. Sorry." I will never forget the look on his face.... he looked so hurt and rejected, so I was like, "Want me to buy you ice cream? Okay, I'll buy you ice cream."

Then of course, his brother comes out. Not the homely one, but Mr. Skinny-jeans-and-flatiron, or as I like to call him, Adam Lambert Jr. He's kinda pretty. As soon as he sees me he grabs me and lays one on me, like those old romantic movies. I freak out, like "OMG WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! ARE YOU PEOPLE INSANE?! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!! WTF ARE YOU DOING?!?!"

So I jump off the bus and yell "Fix your damn bus and get outta here!" and then Skinny Jeans gets off the bus and says, "What, you're not a fan?"

Me: Does it look like I'm a fan?
Joe: No, which is confusing.
Me: How is that confusing?
Joe: We've never seen a girl that didn't like us.
Me: First time for everything. Now fix your tire and get outta here, comprende?
Joe: You don't like us.... and we kinda like it.
Me: So you're saying that my general contempt of you three is a turn-on?
Joe: For all intents and purposes, yes.
Me: Well that's just great.

by this point i'm now back to my dad's house, where i go to the freezer, get an ice cream cone, and toss it to Joe.

Me: Give this to your brother.
Joe: What's this for?
Me: Ice cream generally tends to ease the sting of rejection. And I'd be willing to be money that there was no ice cream involved when Miley dumped him.
Joe: Can I have one? (I roll my eyes and throw two ice cream cones at him with full force)
Me: OUT!

then i woke up.

I've been sick today, so it makes sense that I should have this dream....
...you know, cause I'm burning up....

shame on me.

in their defense, they're not all that bad.
but i just don't understand it.
i guess maybe it's because i'm past that squealing fangirl stage.
ah well.

the persistence of memories.

2009-04-24T13:01:00.003-04:00

so you know how on facebook there's this new thing that's all the rage where you can pick your top five whatevers? Yes, well i've done quite a few. more than i care to say, actually. today i did one that i hadn't really given much thought before: Things i'm terrified of. Sure, the first thing that springs to mind is, of course, hypodermic needles. I hate them. It's a persistent fear that I'm slowly getting over, but there's more. Bridges, inexplicably. Not heights-- bridges. Clowns. Car accidents, and rightfully so. I've been in a car crash once-- not serious, thank goodness-- but i've had friends die in car accidents. the last one was drowning. I'm terrified of drowning. this is why you'll never see me swim underwater or jump from a diving board.

allow me to reiterate.

one of my earliest memories is from when i was two, maybe 3 years old. i fell into a pool at my dad's friend's house. i remember seeing nothing but blue, and not being able to breathe. i remember trying to cry and not being able to. i remember not knowing which way the surface was. i vaguely remember someone fishing me out of the water.

suffice it to say that drowning is my greatest fear. i'm not afraid of water, per se, but i'm afraid of being overpowered by water. i love water, just not when it's trying to kill me.

so there you have it. an admission of fear.
michael phelps i am not.

scalpel... clamp... USB cable?

2009-04-17T17:21:00.002-04:00

My computer went into surgery today. Some stupid virus attacked it back in January, and it's been on the blink ever since. Fortunately, I was able to save what I consider to be my prize possession-- my writing. I hope they don't have to wipe the hard drive, but if they do, that's 3800 songs down the porcelain pot. This computer is my life. I do my online classes, I run my blog, I Skype, I talk... My life, sadly, revolves around my computer.

I hope they'll be able to fix it. For $160, let's hope so. The pictures I can stand to part with, because most of them are on Photobucket, Myspace, or Facebook. The music would take me days on end to get back. The recipes, I could recompile in a matter of time. But the writing? That's a year and a half of work that I couldn't bear to part with. I didn't save all of it, because some of it I was planning on deleting anyway, but my great opus.... hell no.

With any luck, the blog will be back to full speed within a matter of weeks.

a twittering twit.

2009-04-11T23:23:00.002-04:00

today, i did the unthinkable..... joined twitter.
i only did it for HALSTON!
i wanted to keep up with one of my new favorite bands, and somehow got sucked into the vortex that is Twitter.
From there... oh dear lord... it spiraled.
I've had this thing for 12 hours, and already I'm following 61 people.
I've replied a few times to some people.
Why?
Because I like making people laugh.
I'm generally a friendly person, and I like hearing what people have to say.
I love to listen.

But here's where the game changes.
When I see conversations going on between people that I've never met before, I feel like I'm sitting at a table I'm not supposed to be at.

But it's all good. I'm making new friends every day, and it's wonderful.
god bless twitter.

a note to the academy...

2009-02-14T02:20:00.001-05:00

there is no justice in this world if "O Saya" from Slumdog Millionaire doesn't win Best Song.

just sayin, folks.

before sunrise.

2009-02-12T02:18:00.002-05:00

sunday is the big day.
12 hours on the road until i wind up in indiana.
three days left.

i feel cheated. that's right, cheated. not cheated ON, because that implies that i'd be in a relationship, but i feel cheated. consider this to be a message to my best friendboy:

if i don't see you before sunday morning, it's going to upset me pretty badly, but it's nothing i'll hold against you. the distance isn't that far. it's 726 miles from my front door to where you are, and i'd drive 726 miles. i'll do it when i can. and i'll miss you, sweetheart. but you know i'm always on facebook and always on aim, so you can message me any time you need to. i love you. see you soon.

im not entirely sure what called for the outpour of emotion, but i felt like i needed to get it off my chest.

and with that, im off.

and as an afterthought to that last post...

2009-02-03T00:17:00.001-05:00

pair of boots and a sack of clothes,
free and easy down the road i go...

god, i love dierks bentley.

saying goodbye.

2009-02-02T23:23:00.002-05:00

let me just start off by apologizing for my absence. since mid-january things have been incredibly crazy! i get dumped, and then i get packin!

yes, that's right.. i'm relocating to a little state in a more northward direction that you may know as indiana!

funny thing is, my ex thinks i'm going to indiana to "get myself better" and get stable. that's only half of it. he thinks i'm doing it for him. LIKE HELL! ohhhhh no. no way. i'm looking out for number one right now.

so far i've packed my books, tapes, dvds and toiletries. luckily i didn't seal the boxes up yet, so i can still get to stuff if need be. (LOL)
problem is, i can only take, basically, what i can carry.... or what will fit in one car. so it's my life, everything i own, boiled and whittled down to bags and boxes yet again. and here i am, chasing some dream i had nearly three years ago. i still have a shot, but it's one shot, and i have to hit my target dead-on.

now, i've realized something as of late.
i am stronger than i thought.
originally, i had it in my head that i needed my best friendboy behind me for this whole college thing, and that without him backing me up i wouldn't be able to do this.
NOT TRUE.
yes, it does scare me, going it alone. it scares the living shit out of me, if you want my honesty.
but i know that i'm doing this for myself, not for him.
i'm not chasing him. i wouldn't ever do that.
i'm chasing what i want.
ME. ME ME ME ME ME.
it really is all about me.
it's not someone else's life! it's my life! haha! i'm allowed to make it all about me!
that's the best part!

anyway, what i'm trying to say is, i can do this without him.
i have to.
this is me, growing up.
i don't have to cut ties completely, and i don't ever want to.
if it comes to that i'll be a wreck.
but i'll pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on.
it's just what i do.

it's time to grow up now.
im leaving this state with what i can carry.
im coming back in a matter of years,
but for now i'm saying goodbye.

my little white lie.

2009-01-28T06:46:00.001-05:00

i originally wrote this on my facebook, but i decided it belonged here.

Since I'm not a liar, I'd like for you to know what I did Sunday and Monday when I told you I was sick with stomach flu.

Sunday I stayed in bed all day because I had been up the entire night before.
I decided at about 5 am that i didn't want to go anywhere.
So I blew you off and stayed in bed.

Monday, when I told you I was still feeling ill, I was actually spending the day with my ex.
I like him more than i ever did or ever will like you.
Let's see, he woke me up and we spent the day in newport news.
We had all kinds of asian cuisine. it was wonderful.
i spent the day with someone who makes me happy.
not someone who makes me uncomfortable.
i didn't want to be stuck in your house with you either playing video games or trying to get into my pants.

you are like every boyfriend i have ever had:

SELF-CENTERED LOSERS.
you play video games all day and you are lazy.
your spelling is horrible.
you are ugly.
it's not my business if you kill yourself, because i really don't have time to listen to your childish, asinine whining.
i have a life that needs living, and you are not my responsibility.
i don't care if no one will ever sleep with you, because i sure as hell won't.
unlike the other girls you fucked, i have some respect for myself.
and none for you.

have a nice day!

and this bird you cannot change.

2009-01-24T05:03:00.003-05:00

forgive the shameless skynyrd reference, but it had to be done.

you ever see those movies where someone's driving alone, heading somewhere, and the southern rock is just blasting in the speakers?
that's what i feel like.

i feel like i'm barreling down the road, running somewhere, and in my head, free bird is playing.
it feels pretty good :)

a purpose-driven blog.

2009-01-20T14:36:00.002-05:00

lastnight i got to thinking about why i started blogging to begin with.

i remember that i started writing blogs when i made my myspace in tenth grade.

but i didn't really remember why i created this particular blog until late last night.

i made it so that others could benefit from what i have to say.

the way i see it, if there's something i'm going through, then there's a good chance some other girl is going through it too. and i want people to know that there is someone listening, and someone out there cares. there is someone here who will laugh with you and cry with you. i feel what you feel. if you ever feel like there's no way out, know that i am here for you. i may not know you, but i am here.

and that's the purpose of this blog.
to help people understand me, and to understand people.
to reach out.
to help.

help you.
help myself.
help everyone.
i want to make you laugh. i want to make you cry. i want to tug at your heartstrings.
but more than that, i want you to relate.

pick-me-up.

2009-01-16T21:56:00.004-05:00

it's come to my attention that lately i've grown complacent. i've been settling for the least i can get these days, and i know that's unacceptable. my standards were set higher than this. so that's why i've decided i am going to make some changes, for the short and long term.

this time, i'm going to take care of #1 first and foremost.
this time, i have a plan:

transfer.

that means reactivating that plan i had roughly two years ago. one way or another, i am leaving this life with an education degree, whether i am 19 ,29, 39, or 99. DEE-TUR-MEN-AY-SHUN. this girl has it. so what am i going to do?

i really don't know yet.
it may mean i won't move to hawaii.
i have no plans in breaking off the engagement.
im too happy in it.
he makes me feel absolutely incredible, and i'd be an idiot to break it off.

i'm still forced to ask, am i doing this because me and my past are playing the world's longest, biggest game of tag, or am i doing this because i want to?

i want to. i want those bragging rights. i want that degree. it's as good as mine.
i want a life of my own, not one lived constantly on someone else's terms!
i want to take art history on thursday mornings and vector calculus on wednesday afternoons, and i want to party hard like Andrew WK on Friday and Saturday nights. I want to be in those funky clubs that only the nerds are in (hellooooo, Former Scholastic Bowl PRINCESS here!), and I want to minor in dance. I want to teach little children. I want to do big things, and have a memorable college experience-- not a disappointing one, like it's been so far.

There's that word again-- disappointing.

That's the word I've been looking for to describe the past four years: Disappointing. I'm disappointed in myself, mainly. I let myself down, and now it's time to pick myself back up.

ok w&m-- here i come.

things i love.

2009-01-14T16:35:00.001-05:00

i had an amazing day yesterday, and kinda threw this up this morning. i was bored.

I love the way your stubble scratches my lips a little when you kiss me.
And I love the way I can feel you blink and breathe when we lie close together.
I love the way you’re impossible to wake up in the mornings.
And how you like to steal my blankets and I have to steal them back.
I love how you let me pick the pizza toppings.
And I love how you let me make the first move.
I love how we both love Scrubs
And I love how we can both laugh and make fun of the same retarded things.
I love how my family loves you.
And I love how you don’t really laugh at me when I trip.
I love how you let me watch Food Network at 3 am when we can’t sleep.
I love how when we go to the store you ask me if I see anything I like.
And I love that when I do, you spoil me and buy movies.
I love how you love junk food as much as I do.
And I love that you have the good sense to stop me.
I love how it doesn’t matter what I wear-- you still think I look good
And if I don’t, you tell me.
I love how you sing
And I love how you tease me in the good way.
I love falling asleep with you
And I love waking up right before you do.

But I hate when you leave me
Even for a while
But the little time we get to be together
Is enough to make me smile :)

cleaning house.

2009-01-12T14:08:00.004-05:00

for some reason or another, i know i have to (and i say "have to" in sense that it is a resolute and unyielding need) clean my house.

kitchen, bathrooms, living room, computer room-- no dust bunny shall be spared!

the only issue here is i lack the motivation. it's 2:10 and i'm still sitting on my bottom doing goose-egg. so i managed to get my room clean the other day-- a rare occurrence, for those of you know how much of a mess i am. that's one down. my vacuum petered out on me. that's a 1000 dollar, electrically charged, asthma filtering, top o' the line, high dollar, costs-more-than-your-life vacuum. i am sad.

so here's what i'm going to do:

-put a can each of red bull and mountain dew in the freezer.
-while the cans are getting cold, make some cds filled with some peppy tunes. you know, old school stuff from the 90s that i normally wouldn't listen to. this includes spice girls, backstreet boys, nsync, things of that nature.
-start small. as in, save the kitchen for last. it's big. i need a zamboni to clean my kitchen floor. start with the bathrooms. They are small and nowhere near as FUBAR as the kitchen.
-open windows. I believe the Fifth Dimension said it best: LET THE SUNSHINE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by the way, i do plan to post pictures, but i'll probably post them to Flickr or Photobucket.

have a wonderful monday, everyone!
-Anna

welcome back!

2009-01-09T13:13:00.000-05:00

Good lordy, it's been a while since I've made any attempt to post a new blog.

I've been recovering from the holidays, trying to keep up with my schoolwork and my stories, and my fiance will be home Tuesday.

So if I'm hardly here, please accept my apologies.
You can go to my Youtube account (name is annamclark) and check out my videos, cause those are updated quite often!

Best wishes and stuff.
-Anna

and so it goes.

2008-11-20T06:38:00.000-05:00

Today I am flying to Atlanta to visit my dad and brother for a week.
This is my second flight this month.
DAMN.

It's been a busy November.

Happy Thanksgiving in advance.
:)

Touching Down

2008-11-07T21:56:00.001-05:00

After touching down in Indianapolis, I was absolutely lost.
I waited for my stepdad, who was a little delayed, but it worked SO well.
My mom was on her smoke break, so we caught her at the perfect time.

Jason got out the camcorder and I waited in the car until he said I could come out, and my mom was around the other side of the building. (They're on the phone by this point.) So my mom comes around the side of building, and I'm leaning on the Explorer and Jason says "Hey, look what I found!" She's like... "What'd you find?"

HELLOOOOOOO!!!!!
I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE!!!!!!

It took her a second to realize it was me.

Totally classic.
I broke her sunglasses.
With my head.
On accident.

Total Win.

in flight entertainment part 2

2008-11-07T21:55:00.000-05:00

Alrighty, this is the last leg of the trip.

After a brief layover in Charlotte I was fortunate enough to meet some cool new people. There’s Crystal, an Air Force chick about my age, Hannah, a young woman with her daughter…

Dear Lord, will my ears ever quit popping?
This is getting right annoying!!

I see mountains. And they are amazing from this height. I’ve got no clue where we are (probably somewhere over G-Vegas or Asheville. Somewhere mountainy.) But I’m here to tell you it’s gorgeous.

And this flight attendant is creepy. Like, he’s really really cheerful, and I guess he’s nice, but I wonder if he actually likes his job.

Back to mountains. I miss georgia. It doesn’t really matter, because in about a week and a half I’ll be flying into good old ATL. From this height, mountains look small.

But I digress… or I try to. Boy it would suck if we crashed.
I think we’re somewhere in Tennessee. Fuck. I need a map.

in-flight entertainment, part 1

2008-11-07T21:53:00.000-05:00

Hey there, Gentlereaders, this is your in-flight entertainment. Or, mine, anyways. That’s right, I’m blogging at 30,000 feet! No, I’m not joining the Mile-High Club, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m currently en route to Charlotte, NC, and from there I’ll be heading for Indianapolis.

Oh my…

Sorry, I just felt myself drop. Don’t tell me we’re descending!

Either way, it’s an hour’s flight from Norfolk to Charlotte, and I spent majority of it goggling out the window.

Yeah, we’re coming in for landing.
About 30 miles outside of Charlotte, according to El Capitan.

THIS IS FUCKING RAD.

Shut up, it’s my first flight. Everything is so beautiful from up here…. Should’ve sent a… poet….

Anyway, I’m on my way to Indianapolis to surprise my mom. She doesn’t exactly know I’m coming.
In fact, she has no idea I’m coming.

And the chance she’ll read this blog is slim to none.
I don’t think she even knows I have a blog, unless I messaged it to her at some point…

OO LOOK I SEE MOUNTAINS!!!!
Beauteous.

Remind me again why I haven’t moved to NC yet?

Anyhow, ….

Oh fuckity, we’re descending.
I don’t like this zero-gravity thing.
GRAVITY IS YO FRIEND.
EMBRACE IT TILL IT DROPS YO ASS.

Alright, I gotta put this on hold before I toss my cookies. Stay tuned for Part 2.

Prelude: In-Flight Entertainment

2008-11-07T21:50:00.000-05:00

Today was my first time ever flying.
Ever.
EVER EVER.

First of many, I should say.

Each leg of the trip (there were two) I wrote a blog entry, with every intention of posting them as soon as I landed.

Kinda got a little sidetracked once I touched down in Indianapolis.

Here's the posts....

happy birthday to me!!!!

2008-10-26T11:11:00.000-04:00

today's my birthday.
so far so good.
ghostbusters, german chocolate cake, figure skating...
nope, nothing remotely wrong here.

except i feel puny.
puny and old.

The Dream Police

2008-10-20T02:45:00.000-04:00

As of late I've been having these really WEIRD dreams. The one I had just a few hours ago scared the living daylights (or, more appropriately, nightlights) out of me. So let's start with the most recent one:

It was dark outside, and I was with both of my parents (gasp!) and my brother (double gasp!) in this really nice house in Virginia Beach. I asked if I could go off to the oceanfront the next day with my friend Nate (what are you doing, guest starring in my dreams like that?), which they said was ok, as long as I took my brother. Ok, my brother's 14 so it's not like I'm really babysitting him or anything. Anyway, the next day we left for the oceanfront, and kinda got lost, so I think we ended up in Sandbridge. But there was an amusement park. There was a lot of trees there too, which is of course strange to see on the beach. But anyway. We walked around for a little while, and my brother wanted to ride the rollercoaster that was next to a bunch of trees. I told him that was cool, but I had to get something to drink first, so let's do that first and then we can ride. When I finally got my drink, I turned around because I heard this loud BANG. After that, I couldn't move, but I watched the rollercoaster's car derail, and the whole ride collapsed. I tried to reach for my cell phone so I could take a video, but I couldn't move. I woke up because I heard a weird buzzing noise.

My phone was under my pillow, vibrating because I had a text message.
On a happier note, my cousin Brooke is having her baby.
I'll take Happy Occasions for 2000, Alex!

Another strange dream I had hits a little closer to home.
This time, I'm the one with a child. It's pretty vague right now, because I don't remember too much, but I do remember the inability to name her. In the end, I called her Melrose. She had blonde hair.

Random.

The last strange dream that I remember is completely impossible.
I was locked in a house. I had to escape the house, find someone, and bring it back to the house without being seen. I found a way to break out. When I got out, the house was surrounded by fences. Not just a fence, FENCES. It was like 5 in the morning in the dream and it was foggy, so I was hurding over these fences one by one. Could've qualified for the Olympics with speed like that... anyway, I made it down the street to find the person I needed to talk to. All I asked was "What's my time?" She just said "On time." I nodded and began hurdling back to the house, where I broke back in and sat in the room, as if nothing had happened.

Whatever it means, it was cool!

VIVE LA REINE!

2008-10-16T06:22:00.000-04:00

Il y a 215 ans aujourd'hui, Marie Antoinette a été décapitée, une de beaucoup de victimes du Règne de Terreur. Aujourd'hui je célèbre la vie et les temps de la reine en parlant seulement dans le français, à moins que l'anglais ne soit complètement nécessaire.

Reste dans la paix, ma reine.

a really good laugh.

2008-10-14T06:10:00.000-04:00

I needed a good laugh this morning, and where better to find a laugh than icanhascheezburger.com? I decided to make some lol's of my own, and here they are.

the little white cat with the funny face is my cat!

i hope that brightens your day up some!
mine is about to get darker as i know i'll be falling asleep shortly.
its 6 in the morning. my sleeping habits are all out of whack and bassackwards.

hope it fixes itself soon.
love.

blurred vision.

2008-10-12T18:47:00.000-04:00

its a good thing i don't drive, because right now my vision's gone all blurry and i can't see too well. for the moment it's ok enough for me to type, but its like when you get knocked in the head your vision goes all catawompus for a minute... except i didnt get knocked in the head.

morning in virginia.

2008-10-11T10:14:00.000-04:00

so this morning i got up early, and was delighted to see that Angel was on TNT.
Score.
The last time I watched Angel was VERY briefly in the hospital last month.

So anyway, I'm hard at work (omfg.) on my ethics project, doing laundry, about to clean my ever-messy room... and I happen to be watching Playhouse Disney with my aunt.
She's a nanny who keeps two little boys during the day, and she made me promise I'd sit down and watch Saturday morning shows with her one day. For the hell of it. It kinda takes me back to my own childhood, even though when I was little we didn't have Imagination Movers and Higglytown Heroes.

We had Rugrats. We had Blue's Clues (I do love me some Blue's Clues). We had Little Bear and Kipper and Rupert. Talespin, Darkwing Duck (let's get dangerous!), and scads of other shows that were just THE shit. Imagination Movers isn't bad, but these shows I can only take so much of. And I can't take The Wiggles at all. (I think I should've put them on my Cease and Desist list. I'll save them for volume 2.)

I've had a lot of coffee so far. It's only 10:23. I still have to clean my room. At this moment, I've got junk on the bunk and it looks busted.

Oh my stars... Battle of the Brains is on. For my gentlereaders who don't know what that is, it's a Quiz Bowl show. High school teams play each other... it's like the football of academia. At one point, I was co-captain. At FC, our team kicked ass and took names. I feel nostalgic. Looking at Deep Creek and Gates County play each other, I feel so fucking smart. And like I need to drop my old coach a line and volunteer my services as timer or reader. I'd personally love to read. I have that sexy raspy whisper that gets all them nerdy boys heated up. (Thats entirely true.)

Going to Williams Sonoma later to gawk at everything i don't have.
#1 on my birthday list---- its actually a USFS membership.
#2 --- immersion blender and infinite knowledge of molecular gastronomy (answer my messages already, marcel!)
#3 --- more later.

i need to stop procrastinating.

i'm in love.

2008-10-07T18:54:00.001-04:00

with williams sonoma.
its the michaels of culinary arts.... and i worked at michaels! i should know!
ohhhh, that place is orgasmic.
it takes a LOT to get me out of there.
it doesn't help that i take classes across the street from it.
and an ice rink.

come december, you'll never be able to get me out of norfolk.

praying for fouettes.

2008-10-06T21:43:00.001-04:00

hopefully i'll be able to skate again by the end of the month, because i was hellbent on getting competitive. and i'd been trying to craft the perfect italian fouette on ice.

but wouldn't that be italian ice?

pick your battles.

2008-10-02T02:09:00.000-04:00

another one for today:

As a child, I was always awkward and insecure. I was always the conscientious one. If I saw something wrong, I reported it. That eventually got me into trouble when I was 12.

I saw a kid at my school had a lighter with him. I knew that was "bad" so I reported it. The student was summarily written up and expelled for bringing a "weapon" to school. I didn't know whether to feel guilty or proud of what I'd done. If I had kept my mouth shut, I wouldn't have ruined things for someone else. On the flip side, it could have been a good thing that I reported it.

However, there was someone who wasn't too happy I'd reported the student... His sister, a girl named Kayci. The next day, she followed me home and came to my door, threatening to maim and mangle. I sat on my couch and waited for her to leave.

As scared as I was, from that point she made school miserable for me. To top it all off, it wasn't long before someone I trusted took advantage of that and hurt me. Physically. Badly.

It's been nearly seven years since then. Two nights ago, I had the fleeting thought in my head to look up Kayci and see how she was doing. As it turns out, she's doing quite well. She's now a mother of two and lives in florida. When she asked who I was, I told her flat out that I was the girl she had tried to hurt. Never did.

She apologized and said "I'm not like that anymore."
I told her not to be sorry.
Experience is an amazing teacher.
So what have we learned?

Do not be afraid of what others may do to you in the face of right and wrong.
Do not hold grudges, because they will go with you to your grave.
And most of all... pick your battles.
Wisely.

Food for thought.

this isn't the hills, it's the flood plain.

2008-10-01T22:54:00.000-04:00

so tonight i hung out with katie.

how the years can change you is a scary but amazing thing.
i've known this girl since we were in diapers.
now we're sitting at kelly's tavern chatting over a mountain of nachos and round after round of diet coke (yum!).
and we're glued to our phones.

its kinda like lauren and audrina, but this isn't the hills.
it's the flood plain.

it was a good night.

the minor fall, the major lift.

2008-09-30T23:53:00.000-04:00

aaaah, good ol blogspot. The site I scoured for good, trashy reads and embarrassing celebrity pictures now becomes home to my rants and raves and so forth. As this is the first post, here's a little bit about myself for all you gentlereaders out there:

Me llamo Kristianna, but you can call me Anna. It's a lot easier to remember/pronounce. For a college girl, I'm kinda unfocused. My major changes with my mood. Last week it was Nursing. Yesterday it was Education. Today it's Culinary Arts (more on this later, I promise). I have bipolar disorder and constantly ignore or forget my medicine. (yikes!) I live in a little podunk town you may have heard of, Suffolk. No, not the one in England. One in the States. And I love figure skating.

Enough about me. You'll hear more as this blog continues on and on.

About the day I had:
Made kickass paninis. Ham and mozzarella with lettuce, spicy brown mustard and oil & vinegar on whole wheat. YUM.
Apparently the knack is back. I used to be big in Catering class, now I'm reduced to a puree. I was a force to be reckoned with back in the day, and now I can't even dice a friggin potato. Now it looks like I may be coming back to that. I've been practicing hardcore, hence the paninis, putting in applications at some of the nicer restaurants, and thinking about going back to culinary school. Marcel would be proud.

Watched more Buffy. May I just say that I miss this show, muchly? Can ya bring it back?!?!?!
Let's take a moment to appreciate the amazingness that is (was??) The Trio. I'm sure you've heard of them. Now, while I may seem like a rabid fangirl at this statement, those three dudes were absolutely the best part of sixth season. But let's be completely honest, aside from the side-splitting humor they brought to the table (I mean, come on. You didn't laugh at Andrew's goofy fantasies? You didn't crack up when Buffy totally dropped Jonathan, whilst drunk as a skunk? And you didn't burst into laughter when you noticed that Warren was in desperate need of manscaping?! Yeah, that's what I thought.) these are some pretty f&@#$!g awesome actors. Case in point, look at The Killer In Me, season 7. Watching Adam Busch and Alyson Hannigan become one in the same was amazing from a written and visual standpoint.... and a little disturbing. But oh, when he sings, he totally brings sexy back. (There's that rabid fangirlishness.) Common Rotation, awesome band, kiddies. Google them, dammit. Tom Lenk is hilarious. Watch his videos on Youtube if you want a good laugh. And last but certainly not least, Danny Strong is an amazing writer. Recount. GO GET IT. NOW. GO GO GO GO GO. Like, seriously. Stop reading this and go watch it. (Just guess who was the favorite.) And yes, I got a bit weepy when he died. Didn't you? (You're still reading this? I thought I told you to go watch the movie.)

Before I get weepy AGAIN, I'm burning, listening to Rufus Wainwright and craving brioche.
My surgical wounds kinda hurt a bit.
And Scrubs is coming on in 7.
I have no brioche.
Raisin Brioche, I will make you.
Soon.
maybe tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Wait, you're still reading this?
go already!